Oh no she didn't


So this isn't my story but it's definitely one that needs to be shared... more like a warning to men and a public service announcement for girls.

This belongs to my friend Dick, who is on the dating bandwagon with me and has given permission for me to tell the story, and to be honest this is my most favourite dating story of all time... hands down.

I am not 100% sure how Dick met Jess the dietician, but I do know that he was interested for sure. She was 25/26 (more like maybe 18 by the photo he sent me), seemed smart and from what I can tell interesting. Dick put in the hard yards with Jess, he took her for drinks, dinners, movies, hiking, picnics, the works... but by around date 6 or 7 he hadn't got any return on his investment. My advice to him was cut it away, she's young and as much as I may sound like a bitch but she wasn't putting out.

I actually remember him calling me one Saturday afternoon on his way to hockey or football (sport of some description) to tell me that they had been getting hot and heavy but she put the brakes on hard when they moved it to the bedroom. He was frustrsted and not sure what the problem was and to be honest neither did I.

Eventually they did get down to business and as I didn't hear about the first time it must have been ok, but the second time was definitely not, from what I understand it was one of those times where you should just lie back and think of England until its over, unfortunately he was doing all the work so he was left having to fake it. Now I had never heard of a guy faking it before, but I guess looking back everyone fakes it at some point or another.

In order for him to fake it, he had to make the usual noises and quickly go to the bathroom to hide all evidence that he hadn't finished. In my mind a guy would when faking it, go to the bathroom, finish in there and then hop back into bed for a cuddle if they had time... Nope not Dick in this situation - he left immediately and went home to finish himself. I can honestly say when he told me this I was almost in tears laughing so hard and after that I thought for sure he would cut her away.

Nope not Dick (he must have really liked her) because a week or so later he got into bed with her again - this time it was just as bad and half way through just stopped. Poor girl!!

They then made plans to catch up again on the weekend and in between Monday and Saturday, he met Irish, a girl from Melbourne, who he definitely wanted to get to know. So when she offered to fly in to spend the weekend with him - he didn't hesitate in accepting that offer.

Saturday rolled around and Jess was unfortunately left hanging, which made her turn into a psycho Sally.  Firstly she sent him texts, slightly narky but still a little hopeful that they'd catch up, then she started calling and well he was too busy to reply or answer her calls. I can honestly say that I definitely encouraged him to ignore her texts and calls, while he was with someone else and it did make her appear very needy. By Sunday night he had ignored numerous texts and calls (she'd sent/made a few too many if you ask me), there was no where left for him to go... He was a douche whether he called her back or not - so it was best just left. 

Then the really weird part happened, he started to get missed calls from a number he didn't know, and being a genuinely busy guy, he hadn't answered them, but by Friday and god knows how many calls later, he finally called the number. Much to both his and my horror, it was Jess's friend, who he had only met once, who had been calling to chew him out for being such a douche to Jess... like who does that?! 

Don't get me wrong I've considered doing this before, but came to my senses very quickly that it was a bad plan, also my friends wouldn't ever actually do that!
 

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