A number with too much meaning

Let's get very real right now and I'll admit I'm uncomfortable writing this... I've been holding off on telling anyone about completing my first 16 week challenge with nutritional cleansing and 8 week F45 challenge because I'm straight out ashamed that I didn't achieve everything I wanted. To the point that I skipped out on having my body scan because I didn't want to know the results, didn't want to know if the kilos I'd gained were muscle or fat, didn't want anyone around me to know the numbers. 

I know this may sound ridiculous, but if you've battled with your weight and obsessed about it for years like I have, then you know it's a very slippery slope back to where you began and gaining a couple of kilos is the very scary start.

I want to be completely honest right now because I know I'm not the only one who's done things or may do something like this in the future. I'm not the only one who's weight has gone up and down over the years. I want to share this to tell you it's ok, it's normal, and that somethings have to be worked on for longer than society says it will take to change a habit, longer than you want it to.

So I started nutritional cleansing back in February and straight out jumped into the 16 week Isabody challenge, a free challenge that is all about changing habits and taking accountability, really I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. And in my first 30 days, through following the program, eating healthy food and a few gym sessions (not the 6 days a week I used to do) , I was able to release over 30cms and 4kgs off my body which took me just past my goal weight. I WAS FREAKING EXCITED!! 

Well that was until I still didn't like my body and specifically my stomach when I looked in the mirror. So I kept on going, the second month I realised I needed to to tackle my mind by completing a Healthy Mind and Healthy Body 60 day program... Because even though it was in a much better place than when I began this journey, it still wasn't in an awesome place about my body, the body shaming still showed up, the self destructing and sabotaging speak about not being thin enough or have the chips they're delicious kinda thing.

Once my mind started to align, I started to accept and love the body I have (well 80% of the time, but hey that's better than the 20-30% I used to be). I'm sure there are some nodding right now at that because this is real and people don't like to talk about it. 

I decided it was time to kick up my training to the next level, I had the energy, I had the ambition and I was mentally ready to push past physical barriers... I welcomed the intensity, the very quick gains and mental demands of F45 training, and the timing was perfect to enter their 8 week challenge (another free challenge - who are all these awesome people throwing out these challenges just to see people make positive change?!). 

Yeh you have probably noticed that I was signing up for challenges and programs and all sorts of personal growth things that I've not done before, but that's because I want to get healthier, fitter, stronger and grow every part of my life so I was in it completely. 

I was learning along the way not to be restricted in food, that dieting is not the answer, to have everything in moderation and to live every minute of every day. This is absolute bliss and it's a state that I work towards everyday through nutition and mindful living. 

But... Then towards the end of the 16 weeks, I got distracted, my focus had changed from achieving my goals back to trying to please everyone in my life all the time. Which led to not using the whole system like I had been, eating on the run again a lot of the time, old habits creeping back in, not being prepared (but trying to!), not completing proper cleanse days, making bad food decisions and letting self sabotage win more than I should have. 

All of a sudden it was the end of the 16 weeks, my final measurements showed I'd lost around 50cms off my body (mostly by stomach), but my weight was exactly the same as when I started. I was DEVASTATED - I know I'm crazy!!! The cms speak volumes and the pictures showed I'd become very narrow (check out my Facebook if you haven't seen them)... But the number on the scales haunted me and I resigned from the challenge - yep all out quit after I'd finished, lost out on a $200 voucher all because I didn't think Id done enough, lost enough, changed enough and was ashamed. 

Well what did I do about that with 2 weeks left of the F45 challenge... Trained more, ate less, and ended up having closet binge sessions because I was hungry (4-5 F45 sessions a week will make you very hungry!). And again when the final day of that challenge rolled around, I didn't like the number on the scales so I bailed out of getting my final body scan (which would've shown muscle vs body fat percentages). 

I know I know - stupid!! BUT after 15 years of being afraid of the number on the scales and my mind and body being completely out of whack, are we really surprised at this? 

So even though I didn't like the result on the scales at the end of these challenges, I totally changed my body, my life has changed so much, and even though I didn't submit final pictures or measurements... I completed them! 

I've now set more goals for myself, more challenges to complete (havs started my second 16 week challenge) and will continue to push myself outside my comfort zone to work on changing my bad habits, changing my body image even further and now changing my relationship with the scales - maybe I'll even throw them out? 

One thing I do know is that I'll keep working on me because I'm worth it and one day maybe I won't be afraid of that number.