I was left confused to say the least
I don't know if this post is going to make sense because part of this still doesn't make sense to me.
Not so long ago, but long enough, I met someone. Someone who had me convinced he was amazing, I was so comfortable and happy that I let my guard down, which for those of you who know me, doesn't happen often.
Letting my guard down is not to be mistaken with me being open because those two things are very different. Letting my guard down is me laying myself, my flaws and my insecurities on the table, it's acknowledging certain things that I don't like to ever raise with people, some of my friends don't know some of the things that I laid out to Mark.
That's his name, Mark, and in true style of this blog, he was known as the radio guy to some of my friends, as he works for 96fm on their breakfast show. There was something about him, even now I can't work out what it was. He was funny, charming, happy, seemed to have things figured out like me and was into me for me.
There were a lot of yellow flags that turned red quickly, but for the first time in a really really long time, I tried to be patient, accepting and understanding, things I usually just decide are all too hard.
Firstly - he didn't disclose until after a week that he had a 2 year old son, which after telling me he said it was his only baggage, there was no real relationship with the mum, but they co-parented really well. Um... Ok, a child, I'm maybe ok with that, because seriously who doesn't have baggage by the time they're 30 and really we'd just met so I couldn't expect him to be open about that so quick.
Secondly - a week after telling me about his son he decided he ex files needed to be opened wide, I hate the ex files and don't like to talk about mine... Like ever!! But he wanted to talk about his, so after we shared a bottle of vodka, we talked. Turns out he was actually married for 2 years, with her for 3 years before that, his son was their child, he wasn't divorced even though they'd apparently been separated for 18 months. Um.... Thank goodness I was drunk as fuck, otherwise my response would've been a whole lot less understanding than I was. Even the next day after I left his place I had a flash back to the conversation and text him to check that it had happened. Oh yep it happened.
Thirdly - he started to become vague, so I became a little annoyed, usually I would've well and truly bailed out by now, but like I said there was something amazing about him. As he became vague he started to get intense! Telling me how much he liked me, that we would make a good team, wanted to spend a long time with me and that he wasn't seeing anyone else nor did he want to see anyone else while he's with me. An agreement was made to both delete our online dating profiles. Of course there was a catch with it all... He had some mental health issues, which is why he was sometimes vague, sometimes down and way way more emotional than I'd know how to deal with or so he said.
So... More than just a little baggage, way more than I would usually accept or attempt to understand. Ugh! I really wish I hadn't been so ok with everything.
Then he got more vague and pretty much stood me up, claiming he was asleep the next morning when he eventually replied, which well and truly bought out the psycho in me, because every girl has a psycho in her!! So, I stalked... Went back on the dirty tinder and BOOM there he was, he hadn't been online for 3 days, but it was 6 days earlier when the agreement to delete was made, hmm I was confused. I deleted again and thought I was being paranoid. Well paranoia led to obsession and going on tinder checking to see when he was last online, well the next time I went on he'd only been on 20 minutes early... Well fuck!! He was a player, or at least was trying to be.
I started to ask questions and push some buttons, my way of trying to catch him out in a lie because I was sure there was more than a few. Then he became distant, maybe he knew that I had worked it out. So I sent a text asking if he still felt the spark he talked about after we met... He said yep, but I think I knew in the back of my mind, he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear.
I set up my dirty tinder profile again, with a super hot pic with megs cleavage, and then when he came up in the deck I swiped right... Oh looky looky we got a match, which was very quickly deleted by him, but not before I had a chance to screenshot it.
The confrontation was imminent and started with me saying 'I guess you don't want to hang out anymore, I really like you and thought there could've been something there', his reponse was lame 'sorry been low since my mate died', it was time for me to call him out of the tinder match and delete, time for me to be true to me and be straightforward.
There was no response... Ever!
I just don't get it, I can't explain it, was any of it true? The slap in the face for letting down my guard hurt... I'm not gonna lie it hurt really hard.